|
"Life and death, energy and peace, if i stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes, that I have made and would have unmade if I could.
The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I've walked.
Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above..." ~ Gia Carangi 1960-1986
If it werent for my optimistic nature I would've gone living life just thinking that I was cursed or something. Its almost as if that "close but no cigar" mentality has been plaguing my whole family not just me. Take my parents for example. I feel like they have almost been taught to never fully take advantage of life, or they never really had a choice in that matter. I feel like that has always been clinging to my name in some way and hindering me. Something I had to overcome.
Well the sun shone upon my face on November 2, 1983... well it wasn't really sun that shined on me but more like its rays trying hard to peer through the gray clouds on a cold winter morning, optimistic isn't it? Well at least that was the year that communism ended in Poland and the city I lived in, Warsaw, has finally caught upon with capitalism so at least something good happened that year in addition to my birth. Just to add to the wonderful picture during my childhood the chemical plant of Chernobyl exploded and its toxic clouds hovered above eastern Europe infecting many people and especially children with obscure ailments, you guessed it I was one of the lucky ones! So most of my childhood I spent in the ambulance driving to the hospital. Even when I was young I demanded attention!
I still amaze myself that I am actually living in New York City pursuing music, something both of my parents have wanted to do. My father was supposed to be the bassist for a rock band in Poland that eventually ended up being very famous in our country. However one of the band mates had a friend who was probably less experienced in music than my father but he got picked for the band. My mother was chosen to sing in a traditional folk choir that traveled all over Poland and was very much respected when she was young. Well my grandmother told my mother to be realistic and go to school and get a real job. All the more reason for me to pursue music. If at least one of us ends up doing something they love maybe it was all worth it. My parents are very supportive of all I do. I put them through a lot of crazy times I have to admit that. My search for myself through spirituality and various things I was or still am interested in drove them crazy. However one thing that I am grateful for is that they never really opposed what I did just questioned it. Since I've been blessed with a wonderful persuasive nature I always got my way. I don't mean to sound condescending its just that I always believed that we all need to follow our own roads and if we stand in someone elses road to self-advancement we are just hindering them. I always believed in that even as a child, however I couldn't put it in such lovely words when I was young.
So it's May 2, 1993 well fast forward ten years because thats when it really gets exciting. My life does a whole 180 turn. I leave the only city and country I've ever know and land in New York City with my mother and sister. Yes, I am an immigrant... I could lie and say that I came here illegally on a boat where we had to hide for two months on but in reality I flew here in a plane in first class so it's not your typical rags to riches story. I've never been rich its just that my mother tried very hard to make the transition most pleasant to us. The worst would await me once I landed in the city whos population is half of that of my entire home country. So many people, so many different people, so many different points of views. That was scary at first. I think about it now and realize that I was exposed to so little in Poland and would probably be someone else today if I never moved to the United States. One more point proving that everything happens for a reason. While living back in Poland I have never seen an African-American in the flesh, that should give you the idea how under exposed I was as a child. It's not that Poland is a racist country, its just that it's a very homogeneous country so mostly everyone is of Caucasian origin. And Warsaw is not a city filled with ignorant people. It's a city of artists, writers, musicians, philosophers and thinkers its just when you're 7 years-old you don't do much thinking with your own mind, do you?
I've always loved music. As a child I used to always listen through the wall of my room to what my sister who's ten years my senior and her friends listened to in her room. I always tried to wiggle my way into their circle in some ways. Usually it would work. My sharp wit and humor got them to like me and it was almost as if I was all of their little brother. So my sister was my main source of what was cool and what was not. At the time she was a devoted Madonna worshipper so naturally I was submerged in what she liked. Later in my teen years I would repeat history by becoming a Madonnaphile myself but only for a period of a year or two before I woke up and started listening to real musicians with talent like Björk, PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, Marilyn Manson, Incubus, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Enya, Joni Mitchell, Janis Joplin, Courtney Love and many more artists that I have been inspired by. Currently my sister and I are nothing alike. She's conservative I'm liberal. She's a devout carnivore (as my whole family is) I'm a vegan. She's a Catholic I'm a Wiccan (probably the only one in my whole family immediate and distant).
I used to always sit in on conversations and debates that my parents would have with their friends. I never could relate to the world that I was provided with. I always looked for a deeper meaning to life even if I did so only subconsciously. I always wanted to speak to adults about more mature topics rather than play with my friends. In school I was always seen as the weird kid that "probably worships Satan," has pet snakes and never liked what his school mates found appealing. That is why I turned to music and songwriting. I tried to paint a different world for myself and try to understand that world I lived in. That was my escape, my therapy. I always loved to sing but I was always a shy child. Inside I had great dreams for myself but my insecurities with myself hindered me. My family always viewed me as a shy, quiet but content child that is why they were very surprised when I sang some of my first songs for them. Themes of depression, heartache, suicide and disgust with society really surprised them coming from someone who always seemed smiling and happy. Upon entering high school I really feel that that was when I was at my lowest. I think most people at that age feel down. We all try to form our own opinions and discover who we are. I always thought I was a little older than I really was and many people always pointed that out to me. We all are faced with many obstacles however I feel that life seemed to sort of throw a little more in for me to make me grow and learn faster. Preparing me for my future, once again everything happened for a reason.
I finally got past my insecurities and past my pessimistic attitude that I would never make it in the music business and started pursuing it. While you hear stories of artists who did anything to get to the top I never felt that that was my way in. Friends I met along the way told me that I should be more aggressive while I only thought to myself that their way is suitable for them not me. I decided that I would just get people to know me and my music and if I am fair with myself and others things will happen for me. If I genuinely meet the universe half way it will work with me not against me. I started to write my own songs during a time when we were all swarmed by the invasion of Britney Spears and Company. I drew inspiration from what I knew, what I went through, and what I felt. My heritage and the fact that I moved here from a totally different country has always inspired me. Having a European mindset that was shaped by the eclectic nature of New York definitely made me an individual. My father's side comes from Scandinavia, Norway and Iceland to be exact. A fact that I learned when I started writing songs. The pioneering and individualistic Viking nature combined with my survivor Slavic demeanor both flowing through my blood made me a very strong person. I take great pride to be made up of three nations that have had such a rich and interesting history.
I briefly got into modeling hoping that that would be my way in, that was before my great awakening. I ended up more depressed, more suicidal, dabbled in self-mutilation (something Ive done before modeling). Diet pills were part of my daily diet. It's not that modeling is a really bad industry it's just that I was still young and approached it from the wrong angle. So after a while I just decided to quit. That time I spent by myself going to a school I dreaded, writing songs and working on developing my voice.
Most of my life I spent in Catholic school. That made me view the religion I was born into in a totally different light. During my sophomore year I decided to become Wiccan. I was reading up on that religion long before my transition so it wasnt something I jumped into. To me Wicca is a religion where you fill in the blanks for yourself, where you are required to be your own spiritual guide. Your spiritual questions are answered but you cant remain passive and have them handed to you on a platter. It is a life affirming religion where you should try to make the best of yourself while not interfering into others lives in a violent way. It helped me to grow as a person. Around that time I made the decision to become a vegan. I don't consume meat or dairy products. And while occasionally I'll consume some sushi, I don't feel too guilty about it as I am not too militant about my diet, other than that I feel happy with my eating habits. It's not just because animals are abused and I don't feel comfortable eating something that was alive but it was for personal health reasons as well. Most dairy and meat products are not healthy for you anyway because of the way they are made or for other reasons. It's just my way of living with the universe that I dont preach to others.
While still on my mad search for the meaning to this world we live in my mother declared to me that she can't pay the tuition for my Catholic school any longer and I must transfer to public school in September, that was back in 2001. Even though I hated my school I was scared to change schools during my senior year and I was afraid to change. Nevertheless I went to my new public school, dubbed one of the worst in all of Queens. To my surprise it wasn't bad at all. I had a good time, met a few friends, felt free finally. The main difference between public and private schools are the restrictions. In some public schools it's way too lenient but in private schools it's too conservative. However I lived my life for myself so I wasn't bothered by anything. Besides my best friend who also left the same Catholic school I was in for the same public school I came to was there so it wasn't all that bad. We always had a joke among us that I follow my best friend everywhere. That joke was proved once more when in January she moved to Pennsylvania therefore leaving our school and I just decided to drop out. It wasn't because of her though, it was a personal decision.
Now dropping out of high school is not one of the smartest things to do when youre 5 months away from graduation, or thats what they say. I learned during my many moments of consciousness in the past to live by my rules. I search far and wide for the courage to live within my own reality and within my own needs and that January of 2002 was the time when push came to shove and I jumped off that cliff. That was one of the best things I could've done for myself. I never really learned in school. All that I learned was from books and various literature I submerged myself into. Life itself taught me well. My best friend always told me that I had it easy. I just blamed it on the fact that I finally learned to work with the universe and made choices and decisions that would flow with my life instead of against it, even if some of them seem crazy. So I quit school and then what? I went back to modeling but not as a model. One of my friends is the president of the agency I used to work with and he gave me a job there. So now I get to work behind the scenes as an assistant agent and watch other models destroy themselves, its a great job though.
Music is still my main priority. I believe I have taken the necessary steps to fulfill my plans for my life. Even though a lot of the decisions I made have not had much to do with my musical career they all somehow coincide with it and work with it. I write my songs today thinking about all that I've been through. I feel very optimistic about the future. I finally found the person who I want to be and while there are still some hidden corners not yet discovered, those shall be saved for the future. We cant have our cake all at once, can we?
 |
